Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones, But Words Can Hurt Forever
This rhyme is supposed to end some variation of "but words can never hurt you." Bullies have yelled it on playgrounds across the US perhaps for the last 150 years! As a kid, I was pretty sure it wasn’t true. But I never stopped to think about the massive damage it has done until now. It turns out it is really, really important. To anyone who has used it or received it, it had an impact. And it is hurting all of us to this day.
Words hurt! They really hurt. They can hurt for a lifetime. They can outlive us and hurt future generations. But this rhyme it is part of our collective narratives. Broken, negative narratives always cause a mess. And if we don’t analyze and reframe them, we never know how they will interfere with our lives. How is this moronic, backward, dead-wrong rhyme messing us up now?
There are clearly people who take it as a truth that "words can never hurt you."
A few examples:
The online haters and trolls. They believe this rhyme as if it were an immutable law, and rarely think about the amount of pain they cause.
People who rant and rage at our faces, but don’t listen. They are spewing out rhetoric without looking for the damage they are doing. Because words don’t hurt, right?
The creators of political attack ads who give no thought to how they might trigger or damage the people who have to hear their vicious attacks.
However, in our society, we have to take it. We have to accept much of the pain and damage from hateful words because we protect words as free speech.
So we defend ourselves in other ways. We stop listening. We stop caring. We toss our own hate-filled words around.
We see the people who hurt us with their words as our enemies.
And sometimes we go on the attack - or the defense. Either way, we fight. We look for a tribe who feels like we do. We band together. We use our words to hurt others.
Why am I bringing up this negative topic when the elections are mostly over and things might quiet down on the hate front? I bring it up because it isn’t just a macro problem in our lives. It is also a micro problem. It is something that impacts our families, and especially our family gatherings.
In the coming weeks, many of us will spend time with our families or extended social groups for holidays, me included. And sometimes we will sit across the table from someone who is on the attack (or on the defense) because they perceive a threat. They perceive they might be vulnerable to words of hurt from other people at the table. So they get there first - they start the fight with hurtful words.
Before this happens to you, think ahead about how you can respond. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind to be proactive.
Know that your words can cause more damage than you intend. Words are a weapon. Wield them carefully.
Identify what is causing the other person to be on the attack. It might be something you can defuse or negate with a few well-considered words of your own. Also, be aware that everyone in earshot is now deciding their response: flight, fright, freeze… Very few of us will have the wherewithal to respond with calm rationality.
Move your thoughts into a place of mindfulness. Take a deep, nourishing breath to calm your nerves and heart rate. Take a moment to consider the speaker with empathy.
Respond in a way that de-escalates their fear and aggressiveness.
Set boundaries for yourself and others in earshot, in case the person cannot be calmed or distracted. Set those boundaries with grace, lest you create more damage by putting up a barrier that stands for years. This “sticks and stones” person does not have the right to wound others.
By planning, you can avoid potentially damaging situations. You’ll be prepared to build a future based on “words can always help you” instead.
In the Empower Your Voice small group, we are giving freedom to our voices by looking at the stories we allow to define us, reframing them if they don't serve us, and guiding our voices and emotions in the present. This freedom is powerful! Sound interesting? You'll find more info on my website. It would be great to have you in class. nancybos.me/empower-your-voice
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I’m Nancy Bos, a vocologist, keynote speaker, and author. I help people empower their voice by reframing their stories.
I LOVE to speak to groups about the power of personal narratives. Visit my Speakers Page to learn more about me talking to your company or group. I’m proud to say others have described me as “very inspiring and entertaining.”
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Nancy